5 Struggles Women Have With Boundaries and How to Reclaim Them Like a Badass
What comes up for you when you hear the word BOUNDARIES?
For some women, setting and maintaining boundaries is as easy as breathing (yes, I know these freaks of nature!) And for many of us, the idea of setting boundaries might feel like a sharp knot in your stomach, an anxious quickening of your heart rate, or even a feeling of guilt like, “oh yeah, I’m working on that. 😬”
The thing is, boundaries are an issue for most women, in one way or another.
But before we go deeper into the challenges many women face with setting boundaries and dive into some awesome life-giving strategies, let’s get a working definition that goes beyond the sometimes judgy sounding, self-helpy buzzwords that you hear people throw around.
A boundary is a container around your time, mental and emotional energy, relationships, physical body, and material and energetic resources.
It’s the HELL NO instinct that protects what you value and opens the door to those HELL YES experiences you live for because you’re not distracted and exhausted by people, places and things that drain your life force.
Think of a personal boundary as a magical, sanity saving forcefield that honors and maintains your personal space, individuality, ideas, excitement about life, capacity to love and be loved, and basically, all the things you value in yourself and in your life.
Boundaries work on a continuum. Some lines are a hard and fast and consistent NO while others are a little fuzzier.
And you might be great at setting boundaries in one area of your life but struggle in another (and feel the imbalance!).
I think of boundaries as being Big Bs and little bs. Big B boundaries are those around your personal integrity and/or limits on demands have a lasting impact on your quality of life. For many people, the need to set these lines can be pretty clear….but certainly not easy!
Yet it’s those harder to create little b problems that can create leaks in your Big Bs.
Here’s some everyday examples I’ve heard from clients over the years (and in my own life) when little b boundary issues can lead to Big B problems:
Putting up with your mom making comments about your weight…(who me? never…It’s only my self-esteem!)
Allowing your in-laws to drop by your house unannounced when it makes you crazy.
Getting stuck in a friend’s negativity spiral that drains your energy over and over again because you’re the “only one she can talk to.”
Going to a social occasion with a bunch of couples where you know you’ll be the only single person there and would rather get a root canal than go…. but you don’t want to be rude.
Repeatedly staying at work because your boss asks you to at the last minute - even though no one else is staying late and you’re missing out on self care.
Overextending yourself with responsibilities, particularly those that you don’t get paid for.
Ignoring a concerning behavior you see your partner doing because you don’t want to rock the boat.
“Working” on your day off by doing too many projects at home when you just need to rest.
These kinds of little issues don’t seem like a huge deal in the moment, but over time, they can really wear down your sense of resilience and ability to take empowered action.
So why is it such a struggle to lay down the law?
Here are the top 5 reasons women struggle with boundaries:
Guilt. We’re used to taking the blame for other people’s feelings and feel guilty when we don’t meet the “nice girl” norm.
So many of us were raised in cultures that expect women to be polite, please others, look a certain way, and play by the rules. Oh, yes, and never complain (that’s not “attractive”).
We learned to sacrifice our own needs and well-being for others to avoid being “selfish”, and Goddess forbid, never hurt anyone’s feelings because that would be “bitchy.”
The fear of not belonging. No matter how confident we are, we have all felt the fear of not belonging. We fear that others won’t like us or our choices, often out of a deeper fear of abandonment or the loss of a relationship.
On a relational level, many of us learned from family members or others that our own personal boundaries don’t matter, even when we set them.
Relational trauma, in which a parent or caregiver whom we have no choice but to depend on for our survival violates or neglects our sense of personhood (whether physically, emotionally or even unintentionally) can create neural pathways in the brain that actually make us feel unsafe when we do set boundaries because that was the consequence when we were young.
Alternatively, we can develop protective boundaries that are so high we isolate ourselves from letting in the right people.
Many men are socialized to be entitled and women are largely under entitled. In an age in which more than 1 in 3 women have experienced some form of sexual trauma, trauma survivors often struggle with boundaries around how much they put up with in relationships because their personal boundaries have been crossed so many times. It’s hard to know what a loving and respectful relationship looks like when you’ve never had one. And even if you are in a loving relationship, you may find yourself being over-giving in order to please your partner.
FOMO “Sure, I’ll do that thing I really don’t have time, energy or desire to do.” Even if it is something that you really want to do, that still doesn’t mean you have room for it. Setting boundaries does not always mean saying no to others, but can often mean saying no to ourselves.
Denying Pleasure. Saying No to the things that nourish you. “I have to work so I can’t… “I don’t want my partner to be upset…” “I don’t have time…” We can make endless excuses for why we can’t or won’t take the time we need to do things for ourselves. Sometimes real things get in the way, but sometimes the only thing getting in the way is ourselves.
Not asking for help. We know we are capable of handling things ourselves, but the most important way to be there for ourselves is knowing when to ask for help. We so often overburden ourselves with responsibility, something that we as women are conditioned to do, and don’t allow the people in our lives to step in and provide support we so need.
So how do we identify when we are in a situation in which we need to set a boundary, and what can we expect to face when we do? Here are some steps to take and expectations to set with yourself:
Let your feelings lead you to where the boundary needs to be set. Be present with what is, identify with awareness, and check in with your body. Anger is often a sign that your boundaries are getting crossed. We physically and emotionally feel when things are not right - let that guide you. There’s most likely a boundary that needs to be set.
Embrace the discomfort. Boundary setting can be difficult, whether it’s hard for the people affected or difficult for you. Embrace the discomfort - it’s the only way to grow. And the more you practice, the easier it gets.
Let the right people in who can support you. The people you love will come to support and trust your choices. Let them in and be on your team to be there for you when you need it.
Reframe your fear of hurting others. Setting boundaries can sometimes feel like hurt to those affected by your choices, so it is important to reframe the situation into an act of love, for yourself and them. Let them know why what you are doing is the best for both of you and if they don’t get it, then that’s their problem, not yours.
Honor your grief about setting boundaries. Sometimes a boundary means a loss or, feels like one. Honor the feelings of grief that may come up, as these are honest truths that deserve to be recognized. Take care of yourself in these moments so that you can fully honor your choices.
Get in your body. One of my favorite ways to deal with hard stuff and difficult transitions is to get in my body be it taking a long walk, jumping up and down, screaming, or going to Qoya. Connect with yourself fully through the physical act of self nurturing physical expression.
Give yourself a huge high five. This is not easy emotional work, AND you are doing it. GO, YOU! Write yourself love notes of affirmation, make badass playlists, try new things and adventures you’ve always wanted to do, invest time, energy and resources into that which gives you joy and pleasure. And most importantly, be compassionate with yourself—this is a lifelong journey and you’re not going to ever be perfect. Forgive yourself when you slip back and know that to be in relationship with another human is the most vulnerable act we can do.
Take it from a relationship therapist, building a nourishing, honest and authentic (no, it doesn’t have to always be peace, love, rainbows and unicorns) relationship with your Self and its home, the body, is the bedrock of loving connection with others.
I’d love to hear from you! Comment below and tell me your favorite boundary setting practices!